Writer-Director Available!
A mini post for those of you following the entertainment news.
Hey celebs! Do you need to make an apology video for something you did that was in such poor judgment that no person who wasn’t an out-of-touch narcissist or on their team of yes-people would think it was okay? Do you want to make sure that that video doesn’t reinforce the idea that not only do you not actually feel bad about what you did, but that you also can’t fake it, despite the fact that you are famous for being an actor?
Look no further! For an exorbitant price that only you can afford, I will make that video for you that you never should have tried to make on your own! I will put the camera in a position and location that is flattering to you, rather than in one that suggests a mugshot, or employs the awkward angle of a furtive missive in your bedroom while your parents are sleeping, and remind you to look directly into the camera, rather than letting your eyeline stray all over the place, making you look shifty as fuck. I will advise you that you should maybe do another take or two to get a version that makes you look like you mean what you say and aren’t just going through the motions or feeling put out by having to do this stupid video. I will remind you that, even though you think social media is great because it allows you to connect directly with your fans, that is exactly why it’s *not* a good idea for you when you’re talking about serious issues like rape or the livelihoods of hundreds of thousands of people — which require genuine empathy!
For an additional fee, I will revise the not-pology/denial you wrote for Twitter (X) or Instagram, so that it is actually an apology and addresses the issues that people are angry about instead of talking around them, and doesn’t in any way sound self-congratulatory for doing not-bad things in the past that are not at all the point. I will also write something for you to say during your Zoom meeting with your employees, so that you won’t do an off-the-cuff “apology” for something that was so not the problem, and therefore makes you sound even more tone-deaf.
For an additional additional and even more absurd fee, I will allow you to call me, day or night, when you are thinking about doing something that you might have to apologize for later, something that is a terrible idea, that is maybe even harmful to many, many people, particularly because of your outsized power as a celebrity, so that I can tell you, Hey, JUST DON’T DO THAT.
Strange!