We all learned a lot during the pandemic. In fact, I’m not sure how many people know what a good test case the film industry was for what worked: we went back in person in July 2020 with consistent testing and masking required, and despite that you cannot have a film shoot in which people stay six feet apart (believe me, I tried), there were no major outbreaks on set that I know of until omicron came around the following year, but at that point, people were also less careful (chin diapering, etc) because we had a vaccine — which we then proved, since so many of us (though not me) got covid, also works. I guess “We all learned” might be a bit strong considering how many people I see in public bathrooms just sticking their hands under the water for two seconds, or coughing up a lung on the train without bothering to cover their mouths — not to mention the ones running around saying that we should be injecting ourselves with horse tranquilizers and bleach, that JFK Jr is coming back really really soon to take us all home to Jesus, or that Trump won the 2020 election.
But I learned a lot, and one additional thing I learned was how to be a Yelp power user. Starting some time toward the end of the summer of 2020, when restaurants re-opened for outdoor dining, commercials started giving us walk-away lunches again. This is when the production sends you out to get lunch for an hour, rather than catering a half, undoubtedly because the logistics of the situation make it cheaper for them to hand you 15 to 20 dollars and tell you to come back in an hour. Covid supervisors on set would recommend we not use the bathrooms at restaurants, but otherwise, productions, ignoring the fact that sending the crew out to mingle with the untested public was the most likely way for most of us to get infected, just told us to go with God. I mean, we didn’t really know shit for sure at that point, so I can’t entirely blame them. I had a first AD who I generally respect give us walkaway lunches in the December of 2020, when it was far too cold to eat outside, because he was thinking at that time that catering would be a greater vector of spread than eating indoors. That’s another thing we learned during covid: that it’s spread through the air, not food, not hand-shaking, and all of that compulsive hand sanitizing we did, while definitely protecting us from something, especially in a city like New York, didn’t actually make a difference when it came to covid.
So I became the person who found us a place to have lunch. I’ve always liked to eat, and did think that Yelp was a fairly reliable way of finding places to do it that had a better-than-average chance of being good. But during this period, my goal was finding places with at least four stars, that had vegetarian or pescatarian options (to satisfy colleagues), that was open for lunch (tip: use the “Open at” function), preferably within a five minute walk (tip: sort by distance), and where we could eat outside — and actually outside, not that bullshit outside-that’s-really-inside space that most of the restaurants in New York have built in the fire lane or on the sidewalk in the interest of expanding their seating rather than protecting against covid, because seriously, how can you think that a fully-enclosed shed, which definitely has worse ventilation than the restaurant itself because it doesn’t have an HVAC system, complies with the idea of circulation-providing “outdoor seating”? It quickly became apparent that checking the “outdoor dining” filter box on Yelp would not suffice, I actually had to go through the photos posted by users to see what the restaurant considered “outdoors” — and this also led me to use the photos more and more, to determine if it looked like a nice place to relax for an hour. I also learned some of the ways of Yelpers, like that they are cheap bastards (places could get four or five stars simply because they were less expensive than everywhere else around) and, bizarrely, not necessarily foodies (you’ll chance upon the occasional KFC or Taco Bell with four stars, I’m guessing because they are clean versions of the franchise with decent service? Though I don’t really know because why you would ever, ever go to one of those places in New York City is beyond me). Another important thing to know is that Yelpers will downrate something with a quickness if they have a grievance. If it’s a place that sounds good, or that you’ve been to and liked, but it only has 3 or 3.5 stars, it’s worth reading the reviews, because generally it’s about a bad experience with service. Many of my favorite restaurants in the neighborhood get under four stars, and I know it’s because of that one server who has an I-sure-as-hell-don’t-care attitude, or because the person who takes your delivery order is rude, or that the delivery is slow, none of which I really care about if the food is really good. By the same token, I can’t understand why the tapas place close to us still has four stars, when it’s clearly not run by anyone Spanish (they also own the ramen place next door) and their substitute for authenticity just seems to be more aioli on everything (that might in fact be it: Americans love mayo). Anyway, once I got in the swing of the Yelping, I rarely picked a bad place. In fact, in one week in the summer of 2022, when we were shooting on a basketball court in the West Village for a week, we had a series of excellent Greek, Italian, Indian, and Middle Eastern meals, all within a five-minute walk of location.
The weird thing, of course, about taking on this role of concierge was that, I, too was going to eat, but I was thinking primarily about pleasing everyone else. I mean, you can just choose somewhere you want to go, but then everyone else will think you suck. This is why I finally realized that I don’t like having parties: I’ve always been one of those people who cares more about other people having a good time, because if they’re not, then I can’t — not because I care more about other people than myself, but because I am so self-conscious that everything at my party feels like a reflection of me. At one housewarming/birthday party I had, I remember deciding to play a game, because I and a bunch of other attendees wanted to. But all I could focus on were the people who didn’t want to play, who instead of having their own fun, just sat around watching those of us who were playing, judging us for being game people when they weren’t. I’m sure it wasn’t exactly like that, but this is just one example of how I manage not to have fun at my own parties (I won’t go into all of the birthday parties that went sideways as a child due to my competing needs for control and sugar, or the slumber parties when the strung-out non-sleepers tortured the exhausted). The last party I had was when I turned 50, the year before the pandemic hit. Thank goodness for a deadly worldwide health emergency, which meant I could stop having them and nobody would notice.
You’d think that this anxiety would stop me from taking on this role, but it doesn’t, because I’m still a control freak who gets angry at mediocre food. Even the bad experiences aren’t enough to make me quit, like when, last year, we were with friends who were both vegetarian and also wanted to eat outside on a Sunday night. We went from one place to another that claimed to have outdoor seating, but of course when we arrived, they either had gone from being actually outdoors to being fully enclosed, or weren’t serving people at the outdoor area at that time. So I then realized that being concierge also meant being prepared to convince people to open seating for you that they’d rather not by being just the right amount of friendly-pushy, which I think is a uniquely New York skill. It was either getting them to do that or dealing with the low blood sugar of three adults and one child who I’d already forced to wander around Long Island City for an hour. I have to remind myself sometimes that, for most people, finding a place to eat isn’t a mission, just a necessity.
Which is why it can be nice just to concierge for myself, as I did this past January, for my upcoming 54th birthday (haha, I started typing 45th. I mean, it just looked more correct). My husband and I were finally eating inside again, so on the one hand, it wasn’t such an arduous process, but on the other hand, since I have a system and was doing this during two days of work when I had literally nothing else to do, I of course made an exhaustive process out of it. (Could I have done something more productive with my time, like write or be friendly to the people I work with? Sure, but another thing about this process is that it’s a great tool of procrastination and avoidance if you’re a lazy introvert). Looking in Brooklyn meant that there were a few new pitfalls I needed to avoid. First of all, Kosher. This included “Glatt,” which ruled out “China Glatt” (which fell under the filters, “Chinese,” “Kosher” and “Sushi Bars”) “King Solomon Glatt Kosher and Catering Reastaurant” (their spelling) and “Glatt A La Carte” — despite that those last two had four stars. I feel fairly safe doing this because I am Jewish and have orthodox people in my family, so while I would not turn up my nose at a Kosher deli or a Kosher Israeli restaurant, I feel fairly confident in saying that most of the people rating these restaurants basically have no basis for comparison, because they only ever eat at other Kosher restaurants. So while the person who said China Glatt was the best Kosher Chinese restaurant in the city might be right, it’s still not a pool that interests me — and additionally because pretty much everything in a good Chinese restaurant has definitely at some point at least touched pork or shrimp. Other descriptions that I’ve learned to interpret are “Modern European,” which means “Russian,” “Asian Fusion,” which means “whatever Asian food is most popular at the moment, made by people who are probably Asian but not from that particular country” (the people who own the Tapas-Ramen place? Malaysian), and “Pan Latin,” which almost certainly actually means “Puerto Rican” (yes, you can get fish tacos, but trust me, you’re better off with the ropa vieja). There’s also something about finding the right amount of fancy, which means that I can afford to spend if it seems worth it (like the foraging restaurant we’ve been to a couple of times for their $150/person tasting menu, where one of the entrees is something that’s under a large glass bell full of nettles smoke. No, I can’t remember what exactly the edible part was, just that it tasted like smoked nettles and looked really cool). On the other hand, I don’t want to feel like a ripped-off rube, which I definitely would if I went for the $600/person tasting menu with wine pairing at a Scandinavian restaurant in Williamsburg, despite the Michelin star. Spending more money for a meal than I pay per month for my apartment would impact my enjoyment enough that the food would have to be…Naah, I’m pretty sure it’s not possible, because I, too, am a cheap bastard.
Where did we end up going for my birthday dinner? Nowhere, because I finally got covid. I was better in a few days, but then Damon had it, then we were busy or working until finally, one day in April, when we were out and about in Brooklyn, I just said, “Fuck it, let’s go here.” Okay, yes, of course I vetted it on Yelp, but just to make sure we weren’t getting into any trouble. And it ended up being the kind of place where you figure out what to order because the people finishing up at the next table are eavesdropping on you and say, “Oh that’s really good, you will not be sorry if you get that.” Proving, in case I had forgotten, that there are some things that even a concierge with an app just can do.
Here is the first thing that came to mind (first thought, lamest thought) https://youtu.be/aL6mTMShVyk . Then, re: age, my ex didn't used to say her age (I don't know if she does now) but would say she was in her "mid-[decade]"; "late-decade", etc. Re: ramen+, there is an Italian-Ramen joint in an upscale NJ city where a talk show host lives. I went there recently and felt that it was the kind of place "young people" go to because it is cool. Which certainly ID'd me. Nice post.