ASTORIA, NY — A pink unicorn children’s ride rented by a dollar store in Queens is suing Brooklyn Vending Inc to have herself removed from the location.
“It’s not right,” said the unicorn, who has long blue hair and goes by the name of Sheherazade. “Who’s going to let their kid ride something in front of a place that sells beer, vape cartridges, and mattresses in baggies that have been sitting out on the street for who knows how long? My life is a joke right now.”
The store, Modern Home Furniture on Steinway Street, which sells a variety of items that can best be described as “incongruous,” is owned by businessman Mikhail Petrov, who could not be reached for comment. A man working at the store, who gave his name as Amir, told a reporter, “You were having a conversation with the unicorn out front? Are you sure you’re okay, man?”
A lawyer for Ms. Zade filed the suit in New York State Court today, claiming she was being rented under false pretenses. “That’s no place for kids, I mean, look at it,” attorney Alan Hazlett said in response to reporters’ questions about why he was filing a suit on behalf of an inanimate object. “She has a right to be able to do the job for which she was intended.”
“I feel soiled all the time,” said Ms. Zade. “People — adults, obviously — stand here and smoke, they rest their 40s on me, they spill. At this point I have somewhat acquired a taste for malt liquor, but as you can see, it stains my surface, and nobody ever cleans me — not even a basic hosing down! Sometimes jumbo-sized adults even sit on me, despite that it expressly says, on my labeling, ‘Weight limit of 150 lbs.’ You could see it right there if it weren’t covered in graffiti. At one point, a brick fell of the roof and chipped my ear, they had to cordon me off — the caution tape is still on the ground there because I mean, god forbid they should ever sweep out here. There’s no pride in what they do, none, and that rubs off. How am I supposed to hold my head up — well, technically I can’t move it, but you know what I mean — and provide a service to children in this environment? Can you blame parents for grabbing their little hands and dragging them away when they even try to touch me? I certainly can’t.”
Brooklyn Vending Inc did not respond to a request for comment, but they released a statement: “We at Brooklyn Vending Inc. try to place all of our kiddie rides in appropriate and family-friendly locations. While we realize the term ‘family friendly’ can be subjective, our responsibility is generally to our customers who rent the kiddie rides, not to the objects themselves.”
“Whatever,” said Ms. Zade, when told of the company’s response. “We’ll see them in court. Well, I won’t, technically, because I’m chained to the wall, but you know what I mean.”